beanski

looking back it hasn't been all bad

I go back to work in seven days. I'm totally dreading it. Which is odd because for about the middle five weeks of this maternity leave I think I told Ski about fifteen times a day that I wanted to go back to work already. The first five weeks of this leave were devoted to the God forsaken holidays, the middle five to various illnesses and it has only been the last two that I've actually gotten a chance to enjoy my kids. I have baked cupcakes and played playdoh and done puzzles and spent hours and hours just sitting on the couch staring at his chubby little legs and going to any great length to see him smile.

I'm going to miss my babies.

I am going to miss making her lunch with one hand because I'm nursing her brother with the other.

I am going to miss being the sole recipient of his smiles.

I am going to miss putting her down for a nap while praying to God that he isn't downstairs screaming his head off.

I am going to miss being his everything, his entire universe, his one and only.

I am going to miss Diego. And maybe even Laurie Berkner.

I am going to miss going to Target even though I don't need anything because Target is the only place that I can get in and out of with both kids and we all need a good distraction.

I am going to miss watching her learn at least a handful of new words every day. 

I am going to miss watching him learn all of the things that he has yet to learn, to hold his head up, to sit, to crawl, to walk.

I am going to miss watching her play with her baby for hours on end. 

I am going to miss waiting for the mail to arrive just because it gives me something to look forward to.

I am going to miss snuggling with her after she wakes up for her nap because that is the one time of day that she wants to cuddle.

I think I might even miss her standing at the window saying 'Daddy HOME.'

What I'm going to miss the most is not missing anything. Not being there for each and every second of their days. I thought this would be easier this time, leaving them, giving up control and putting my faith in their daytime caregiver. But I don't think it is going to be easier. I miss them already and I'm not even gone yet. Being a working mom is not easy. It never gets easy...easier maybe as time goes on but never easy.

couldn't live without it

Someone asked me the other day which baby items have deemed themselves "must-haves." This is based on one baby and one baby only...and on only the first five months of her life. My sisters and everyone else I know would have widely varying opinions. I'd love to know what you could not live without, especially if you have a say, six months or older baby. Maybe I can limit the amount of money I waste testing out every option under the sun.

BundleMe - It was worth every penny of the $40 I paid for it. True, it was about 1/3 the cost of the infant carseat itself but if you live in northern Minnesota and have to lug your baby to and from daycare every day, trust me, it's worth it.
Bouncy seat - I have previously mentioned my infatuation with the Bouncy Seat so I won't bore you again other than to say I almost gave up on it too soon. I had it packed away at about 10 weeks because she barfed so much when I put her in it. That would have been one of the biggest mistakes OF MY LIFE. She's five months old and she still sits in that thing every. single. day.
Sleepsacks - $20 a pop might seem like a lot but in my opinion, totally worth the money. The whole risk of SIDS aside, they have saved me many trips in to make sure she hasn't kicked off her blankies in the middle of the night.
Rear-View Mirror - I admit it, I'm a control freak. I need to know what she is doing.
California Baby Calendula Creme - Works on everything from diaper rash to cradle cap to eczema. I tried no fewer than 10 cremes on Renee's eczema until I found this miracle product. As a bonus, it is all-natural, organic and smells good too.
Trumpette socks - They fit, they stay on and they are so damn cute. I am partial to the Mary Janes but they have some nice boy options as well. The "toddler" variety fit my preemie baby at five months so buy one of each size. Why do baby socks never fit the right age? Another post for another day...
Hanna pajamas - OK, I admit it, I was skeptical of my mother-in-law and sister-in-law about Hanna. I couldn't imagine paying a small fortune for a single piece of children's clothing that they grow out of WAY too fast just because it is "organic." But then they bought me some and the quality is FAR superior to any other kid's clothing I have. The PJs have open feet and they are generous with the sizing so they last for a LONG time. We've been through two sizes of GAP/Old Navy in the time it took me to go through one size of Hanna. I obviously obsess about their sales and have been known to waste entire work days competing on ebay...otherwise we would have to sell our house to support my Hanna obsession.

The rest of the things are pretty common sense: burp cloths (A LOT of them), rectal thermometer, snot sucker, multiple waterproof mattress pads for the crib, every baby needs a mobile, EVERY mother needs a glider, and plenty of sweatpants and long-sleeved onsies (I have a hatred of short-sleeved onsies in any size smaller than six months - really, what is the point?). I think that's it. So far. What couldn't you live without?

better late than never?

So I resized and uploaded these pictures WEEKS ago and then forgot all about posting them. Sorry Mel. Little Ava probably doesn't even look like this anymore but she's still cute!

Such sweetness:

Mommy and Ava:

Who would have thought we'd be moms at the same time when we were out watching "the band" every night? I miss seeing you every day!

warning: depressing post

I haven't posted in a few days because I've been in complete and utter dispair about sending Renee to Daycare. And here I am...halfway through my first day back to work. And it is worse than I thought it would be. I wish they would find something for me to do because right now I'm just sitting here wallowing in my sadness. My final vision of her when I handed her over to her Daycare lady was her bottom lip quivering like it does when she's about to cry. And then I walked away. In three months I have never walked away from her crying. Ever. I feel like I am in someone else's body...and that the part of me that has a baby that I'm madly in love with has been turned off. I feel empty. I know this is probably dramatic but it is how I feel. Scared. Hopeless. And just plain incredibly sad. Sad on the inside....like I'll never be happy again.

In attempt to stop the tears from rolling down my face at work...the weekend was actually decent. Ski took Thursday and Friday off to distract me...we took Renee on her first hike up on the North Shore in her "Vince Vaughn" (AKA, Baby Bjorn) and saw some killer fall leaves. Ski ordered a burger at Bluefin Bay that was the best burger I've ever tasted in my life...it had blue cheese, Summit marinated onions and balsamic glaze on it. I wish I was eating it right now. Food always makes me feel better. I think I'll go buy myself a king-size Snickers. I'll try that and hopefully by my next post I haven't quit my job, sold my house and everything I own, gotten divorced and taken the baby up to live with my mom and dad.

no paparazzi

No paparazzi today, mom. I MEAN IT. And she meant it. Little crabby baby...that's all I can say.

baby eczema and shots

We had Renee's two-month checkup and shots on Monday. Poor baby. Her and mommy howeled and moaned together. She's up to 9lbs 3oz. She didn't seem to have any side effects other than that she slept pretty much steady for 24-hours afterwards. I thought I had hit the jackpot until I hit the 24-hour mark and she transformed from super sleepy baby to super crabby baby. We're having the Beanski Fantaski Football draft tonight at our house and I have no idea how I'm going to get the house cleaned and make appetizers while dealing with said super crabby baby. I guess I should start with not spending her morning "rest" (where she rolls around in her crib and grunts hard in order to poop) blogging.

We've been battling what I was hoping was Baby Acne and what appears to be Baby Eczema since Renee was three-and-a-half weeks old. It goes away and just when I think it's gone for good, it shows up again in full force. I feel so bad for her...this morning it is pussy and looks like it hurts. The doctor gave me some steroidal creme a couple of weeks ago that I used for about a day and then quit because I read some horror stories about the correlation between the use of these cremes and skin cancer later in life. So do I use the creme to help prevent infection like the pediatrician said to do or do I put lotion on it and hope for the best in order to avoid the guilt that may happen later when she develops skin cancer? Does anyone else do this (i.e. read crap on the internet and become convinced that you're ruining your child's life and that your pediatrician must not know about the study linking the two because otherwise she would have never prescribed the cancer-causing agent in the first place)? The internet stresses me out. I guess it did help me determine that in addition to cow's milk, caffeine, onions, corn and peppers I shouldn't eat eggs while breastfeeding. We had omelettes for dinner last night. Hopefully that's the culprit for why it is so bad today. The problem here is that one of these days there are no longer going to be any foods that I can eat. And me and the baby are going to starve to death.

To cheer me up from this downer of a post:

me and my baby

I went through a TON of pictures on Sunday and realized I didn't have a SINGLE picture of me and Renee other than the scary ones that people took at the hospital where I look like I had just gone to hell and back (for the record, I had). So here we are...I am obviously a huge dork but somehow the "formal" ones I took didn't tell the whole story. So here we are...me and my baby.

mommy-style

Or lack thereof.

I have developed "mommy-style" where I leave the house with no make-up in sweats with holes in them and puke on my shirt. I was completely embarassed the other day when I ran in to a guy I graduated from high school with at the mall...I put my head down and ran and am still sitting around hoping he didn't see me. Chad Nelson, if you're out there, I hope you didn't see me at the Gap the other day because I honestly can look better than that. I just don't try. I need to start trying. I guess I'm frustrated with the last five or ten pounds of baby weight I have to lose because it is keeping me out of a lot of my cute pre-pregnancy clothes. I guess maybe I should try to do something about it. Like exercise. But that seems hard. And I have two very good reasons why exercise is a waste of time:

My chocolate addition will see to it that it won't matter if I exercise...I'll just eat more chocolate. I think I have traded wine and beer for chocolate. I was telling Ski last night that it has turned in to a seriously irrational addiction that I equate with smoking cigs or doing crank. I start to panic if we don't have any in the house.

Nursing bras are ugly and they don't make any cute shirts to wear with them. That and the fact that I'm constantly hiking up my shirt to offer up the boobs leaves my shirts stretched out and wrinkled within mere minutes of me putting them on. So why even bother trying?

I used to be cute and put together. At least I think I did.

time is going too fast

Where did the last seven weeks go? How on earth am I going to leave her with someone else all day and miss moments like this? It seems physically impossible to me.

tuesdays @ lunch

Heather and Tara have been coming over to visit Renee (and keep me sane) every Tuesday at lunch time since our second week home. It's nice to have a grown up conversation in the middle of the day...their visits give me something to look forward to (and forces me to shower before 2PM). Today we decided that I would make the trek downtown for a walk on The Lakewalk because it's finally cooler than 95 degrees outside. So, Renee had her first walk on The Lakewalk and mommy spent a solid hour talking about herself. It occured to me on my way home that I just talk, talk, talk when other people are around. I guess it's because I spend most of my life talking (i.e. making ridiculous faces and talking baby talk) to an infant that only acknowledges my tactics one time out of twenty. Thanks for listening to me ramble ladies...someday soon I might give something back! :)

Other news:

My sister is due to have a baby on 8/10. Every time the phone rings, I get super excited. They are inducing her next Wednesday if she hasn't had IT yet. Ironically, Michael's sister is having a c-section next Wednesday. How are we going to be in both Baudette, MN and Minneapolis, MN at one time? I haven't figured that out yet. I can't wait to find out if Renee has two little girl cousins or a little boy cousin and a little girl cousin (as previously mentioned Michael's sister is having a girl). I'm pulling for it to happen soon, Jen...think happy baby thoughts, think happy baby thoughts.

I ordered a new desktop this weekend and can hardly wait until it comes. The laptop doesn't cut it for editing pictures and I'm tired of it always being spread out on my dining room table.

My baby has fairly consistently been going 4-5 hours between when we put her to bed and her first middle-of-the-night feeding. Can you say sleep? Because I can. She must be pretty smart because I was just getting ready to pull out one of those strict sleep schedule regiment books. And I really wasn't looking forward to feeling like a failure every time she did something different than the book told me should be doing.

Renee had her first lunch at the Scenic on Saturday and she thought it was delicious. She told me.

We got something done in Renee's Nursery. This is noteworthy because the Big Black Hole that swallows time when you have a baby usually sees to it that we do a lot of talking about getting things done but never actually do ANYTHING. My advice to new parents: Buy the letters with the ribbons and not the ones that require two holes for each letter. I thought Ski was going to lose his patience...and he NEVER does that.

And finally some pictures of my baby intently admiring her favorite red cardinal. At least Ski and I think it's a cardinal. I feel like such an idiot every time I try to tell her all about something and realize that I have no clue what I'm talking about.