beanski

awakening

I should be, oh, I don't know, cleaning the bathrooms or making water bottle labels for Renee's birthday party or taking an ever-loving nap (pregnancy insomnia rules) but when I read this, I stopped everything I was doing so that I could read and re-read these words. Thank-you, Carla, she who doesn't read this blog but she who brought these words to my attention..

The last year has been LIFE-CHANGING for me, for my family, for my marriage. I've spent a LOT of time reflecting, dreaming, figuring out what I want for this life. Not what I should want or what someone else wants but what I want. I've looked at how I treat my family and friends and I've thrown a lot of time and energy into the people who really matter to me. I've spent a lot of time cultivating my marriage, ensuring that at the end of it, we get the fairy tale we deserve. The time came in my life and I feel whole. I feel safe. I feel confident. For once, it doesn't matter what other people think or if they like me or my house or my photography or how I raise my children or how I treat my husband. I DON'T CARE. I know me, I know what I want, I know how I treat other people and how I expect to be treated in return. I'm curious. has anyone gone through this moment she describes? Can you remember it?

A time comes in your life when you finally get it ... when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out ENOUGH!!! No more fighting and no more crying or struggling to hold on.... And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening.

You realize it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change...or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that you are neither Prince Charming or Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you...and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance. You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love appreciate or approve of who or what you are...and that's OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions. And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself...and in the process a sense of newfound confidence is born of self-approval. You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you.

So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself...and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance. You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties...and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness. You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the junk you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you should weigh, what you should wear, what you should do for a living, how much money you should make, what you should drive, how and where you should live, who you should marry, the importance of having and raising children, and what you owe your parents, family, and friends. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with...and in the process you learn to go with your instincts. You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don't know everything,

it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then you learn about love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. And you learn that alone does not mean lonely.

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.

You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things you want and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands. You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less. And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drink more water, and take more time to exercise. You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you believe you deserve...and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance.

You also learn that no one can do it all alone...and that it's OK to risk asking for help.

You learn the only thing you must truly fear is the greatest robber baron of all: FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms. And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.

You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes-bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people.

On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening. You learn to deal with evil in its most primal state - the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart's desire. You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. You make it a point to keep smiling, to trust, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and God by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can.

haunting

I grew up in a small neighborhood in rural northern Minnesota. We had a loop of twenty or so houses; each spread two and a half acres apart. We had a kickball field and a volleyball field and in the winter, my dad flooded the field so we could ice skate every single day. I lived in that house from the day I was born until I turned eighteen years old and headed for the twin cities for college. At that point my parents sold it and built their dream house on Rainy Lake and honestly I haven't really been back to the old neighborhood since then.

The neighborhood was one of those neighborhoods where the children run from house to house to play. If you were in my yard around lunch-time, my mom fed you. It was just the way it worked. We hunted the ditches for tadpoles and we took turns on one another's rickety old swing sets. We didn’t have cable.

My best friend and her family lived two houses down and honestly virtually every memory I have as a child involves her and her family. From my third grade birthday party to my senior prom, my friend Shawna was there. Her mom drove us trick-o-treating every year. Her dad baited some of my first fishing hooks. Her mom cooked me breakfast the morning we graduated from high school and I can still remember the tears in her eyes as I walked through the door that morning. She was so proud of me.

Shawna moved out east for college, married military and has lived everywhere from Japan to Hawaii. We lost touch for a lot of the years only reconnecting in the past few on Facebook. Our conversations involve mostly "Oh my gosh, your daughter looks just like you" and "I like that wine too."

But, I found myself standing in her kitchen this weekend, a kitchen that for all intensive purposes looks exactly the same way it did thirteen years ago when her mom remodeled it for Shawna's graduation party. I stood there with tears in my eyes and I hugged my old friend as we listened to her fifty eight year old mother struggle to breathe from the next room. She beat breast cancer five or so years ago only to have it come back in her bones and most recently, her brain. In all the years I knew her, I never saw her eat anything unhealthy and I don’t even remember seeing her drink a glass of wine. She was always so put together and beautiful and healthy.

I left there yesterday afternoon with a heavy heart and I yearned for those days when we were young and carefree. I wished that we could go back to the days when everyone was happy and healthy and I wished that Shawna and I could jump on our banana bikes and ride around the loop with our moms just one last time.

I took a detour and drove by our old house on my way out of the neighborhood. I stopped at the end of the driveway to admire the Amur maples my dad planted when I was a toddler. I looked up at the window of the bedroom I shared with my sister for over half of my life thus far. Life has gotten so busy, so stressful, and so unpredictable.  So unfair.

My mom called yesterday afternoon to tell me that Janet died there in that living room yesterday morning, only a few hours after I left. I laid awake half the night last night replaying memories from my childhood, mourning the life of someone who was taken away much too soon.  

I wish I had taken the time to tell her thank-you for everything she did for me growing up. I wish that I could do something, absolutely anything to take away the pain that I know her daughters and grandchildren are feeling today. It’s been thirteen years since we lost touch, a lifetime of change for all of us. In a lot of ways my reaction to her sickness and her death has surprised me. But, after replaying it over and over in my head, I think it’s just that there are some people in your life that make such a strong impact on you that imagining them not getting to be there to be the awesome mom and grandmother that I know she was is truly haunting.

i'm never quitting

I belong to a Bunco group. What is Bunco? It's a group of women that rotate houses and get together once a month to play dice. I've been in it for a long time and some months I have no desire to go and want to curl up on the couch and drink wine all alone with the husband instead. (I'm a hermit. No really, I am. I have to drag myself out of the house every.single.day). Also, my husband is pretty great and some days I just want to be warm and comfie and happy. It IS Valentine's Day afterall and he IS playing Rock Band (and sick) while I'm pouring wine down like it's water thinking it's a great idea to blog on a blog that I have written on exactly twice in the last two months. The romance level is off the charts here, people.

I digress. Back to Bunco.

There are months that I just don't feel like it or my kids are being huge whiners and make me feel guilty for having the audacity to have a social life (can you even imagine the injustice?) but there are months that I can't get out of here soon enough and I go and I watch my crazy girls sing karaoke and I come home shaking my head with videos on my phone that can pull me out of the foulest of foul moods. Seriously, they are some funny ladies.

I still go every month because I like the women I play with, sure. I do. I would totally post videos of The Karoke Incidient for everyone to enjoy if I didn't think I'd be breaking some secret Bunco code. What happens at Bunco stays at Bunco or some equally stupid shit.

(My daughter would be mad that I just used the word stupid.)

I'm glad she doesn't like that word. I don't like it either. But, it just shot right out of my mouth. I'm just glad she doesn't know that shit is a (probably) more offensive word. I'm sorry.

But, one of the best parts about the whole thing is that the act of hosting a party at my house once a year is motivation enough to get my butt in gear in the home decorating department. I started with changing the paint in the bathroom and then it turned into painting the dining room for the THIRD TIME in the year and a half that we've owned this house. And then all of a sudden I want new furniture and new wall stuff and just today I spent a good two hours online looking at counter tops. Counter tops! Do you even know how expensive counter tops are?

Like whoa.

Anyways, I love the transformation of painting a room and hanging new things on the wall and I'm so glad that at least once a year I have people other than family over to my house and it forces me to actually DO something.

I love it so much that I decided to post on a dormant blog that I just can't seem to find the right words for these days.

three for three

It might be four for four, I can't remember, obviously New Year's 2008 was a memorable one. I have no idea what we did.

What I do know is that 2009 was welcomed traveling back from Christmas with a husband who needed to stop every 15 minutes to visit the facilities and two tiny little babies that screamed their heads off the whole way. By New Year's, I had the bug and I remember laying on the floor of the baby's room, a fever in my head, too tired and sore and sick to even will myself to walk back to my bed. He was only a couple of months old at the time and I knew he'd be up to nurse any second. So, I laid on his floor and cried instead.

2010 was my turn again. I remember sitting at the barstool in our kitchen staring longingly at my crab legs not willing to take a single bite. I remember thinking that it wasn't a very good way to start off the year.

And while, 2010 held a few memories that I never want to forget, it was a hard year for me and my family. A year that I really would prefer not to live over. I had high hopes for 2011. I looked forward to eating crab legs and drinking Sauvignon Blanc with my husband, making popcorn balls and confettis for the kids, and toasting to a new and better year.

Until I got the call from pre-school on Thursday that Renee was sick. I picked her up, picked Cam up and came home and listened to them scream and fight for the remainder of the day. Got up on New Year's eve morning and headed to work to make up the hours I missed. I came home to a sick Ski and a sick Renee and a son that seems to have hit the terrible twos overnight and right now is pretty much unbearable to be around. Or maybe he's sick too. I hope he's sick. At least I'd have some explanation for his behavior.

Once again, I climbed into bed on New Year's eve at 9PM saying goodbye to another year and not really having that big of hopes for the new one. At least this year I didn't even bother to cook the crab legs.

 

tagged

Libby tagged me. Thanks Libby, how did you know I have nothing to say AGAIN today? :)

RULE #1 : People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs and replace any question that they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

RULE #2 : Tag 4 people to do this quiz and they cannot refuse. These people must state who they were tagged by and cannot tag the person whom they were tagged by. Continue this game by sending it to other people.

1. If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals, or are they members of your family?
Members of the fam.

2. If you can have a dream to come true, what would it be?
Retire early and move to wine country with the hubs.

3. What is the one thing most hated by you?
Compulsive liars.

4. What would you do with a billion dollars?
Retire and move to Wine Country. I'd buy a vineyard and then pay someone to run it. I'd just sit at the counter and drink wine forever and ever. AMEN.

5. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood?
I usually just go to sleep. Once I'm pissed, I have a hard time getting over it. And I DO NOT want to talk about it until I'm good and ready.

6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
Being loved.

7. What is your bedtime routine?
Floss, brush, wash face, lotion. Does it really matter?

8. If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your partner?
We met at O'Gara's in St. Paul.

9. If you could watch an creative person in the act of the creative process, who would it be?
Probably Erin Cobb or Karen Russel some other awesome children's photographer that I think I'd like in person.

10. What kinds of books do you buy?
Kids books and soon, KINDLE books. Ski's job is giving them away for Christmas and guess what? He already has one. So guess who gets it? MEEEEEEEEE.

11. How would you see yourself in ten years time?
Sadly, probably exactly where I am right now. In twenty years, though, I'm OUT OF HERE. I'm sick of the snow. (I hope I'm still alive in 20 years)

12. What’s your fear?
Not finding the time or being too stubborn to spend as much time as possible with the people I love. I'm scared I don't say I love you enough.

13. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to visit outer space?
Umm, NO. This is absurdity.

14. Would you rather be single and rich or married, but poor?
Ask me about this tomorrow. My answer changes daily.

15. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?
I usually argue with Cam about it being time to go back to bed. I never win either, in case you're wondering.

16. If you could change one thing about your spouse/partner what would it be?
I'd go with Fantasy Football too except last year he bought me a two thousand dollar camera with his winnings so I can't really complain too much. His hobby funded my hobby. He is no dummy. The season does get loooooonnnnnnggggg though.

17. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be?
Albus Dumbledore.

18. Would you forgive and forget no matter how horrible a thing that special someone has done?
Depends on what it is and who did it. My family? Probably. Friends? I'm not sure.

19. If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be?
Cheese. I LOVE cheese.

I'm tagging Heather, Lindsey, Kim and Becky.

rad as dad

Just overheard in my house:

"Frosty the Snowman
was a jolly happy soul
But he wasn't as sweet
And he wasn't as rad
As your dear old
Dear old
Dear old
Dad.

<insert-evil-I-think-I'm-hilarious-laughter-here>

My kids don't stand a chance of being normal.

fruit mascara

I've developed allergies to EVERYTHING in the last six months. To be honest, I think I'm allergic to my new house. And the dust mites that live in the carpet (I MISS MY HARDWOOD FLOORS). Or maybe it is the laundry soap. Or Poison Ivy. This is been going on for MONTHS. I had a rash all over my legs for two months this summer, then on my hands and then sometime after Labor Day, it started ON MY EYES. They were swollen shut and itchy and it didn't matter how many kinds of steroids I threw at it or how many allergists and dermatologists and opthamologists I went to, everyone said "contact dermititis." But, I still have no idea what I was in contact with that was causing it. It comes and goes. Somedays are better than others.

ANYWAYS. Can you tell I signed up for posting every day? Because this is TOTALLY interesting. 

At least once a day someone asks me if I'm okay. You know why? Because I'm not wearing any make-up and I look like I've been crying. I'm an eye liner / mascara kind of girl. Like I never used to leave the house without it. Now, I'm afraid to put even lotion on my face. I live in fear of the swelling and the itching.

Today, I got a package in the mail of new make-up that is made from fruit. It is from a company called 100% Pure. Seriously, you read the ingredients and it is like pomegranates and strawberries and shit. Have you ever read the ingredients in regular Loreal or Cover Girl mascara? YUCK. I will never be the same after having lived through this whole thing. Like I have been plastering harmful chemicals to my EYELASHES for something like 15 years.

All I have to say is that if the make-up make from fruit makes my eyes swell, well, I'm going to be really pissed. My husband thinks I'm vain. I just think that there is something to be said about at least TRYING to look good each day.

Thoughts on allergies, the disgusting stuff in make-up or how hilarious it is to envision putting mascara that is made from fruit on your eyes? Do you care what you look like when you leave the house in the morning? Is that vain?

octopii

The answer to the questions from the pictures of Renee's bedroom are:

• NO, it is NEVER that clean, I picked it up to take the pictures. DUH.
• YES, I'd love to help you decorate...I love spending other people's money :)

The only way any of this is possible is that I buy things when I see them cheap and I am not afraid of doing a little crafting or sewing to get the look I want. Once I decided on pink and green for her room I started buying everything that I saw that was one of those colors and on clearance. Some of the shades of pink aren't perfect but unless you are looking super close, you'd never notice. The pink frames on her shelves I got for ONE DOLLAR each. Her curtains were $10. The quilt was $22 for the quilt and the matching shams. Over the weekend, I saw some espresso 11x14 frames on clearance at Target for $5 and I literally bought 10 of them. I may not use them today but I will use them someday. When they are like 75% off, I buy. It drives my husband absolutely insane because we have an entire room of crap waiting to be used for something. But whatever, I will use it and in the long run it will cost me a fraction of what I would have paid for it full price.

The kid's bathroom has been done for a while but I just got around to hanging up the pictures and taking the pictures of the final product on Monday. I love it. So does Renee but only because she likes octopii and seahorses.



 
I made the shower curtain and it turned out really cute. I bought a cheap plain white shower curtain and cut the bottom off. Then, I sewed on the fabrics I wanted to use. Really, really easy, like two hours of work easy and I think the materials were about $30 total.

Room 2 of a billion complete. Cameron's room is next...I just started on his quilt the other day.

santa is bringing books

If there's one thing we spend a lot of money on at our house it's kid's books. I get so tired of reading the same stories over and over and even though there are a few that she insists on reading every single day, she loves to get new books. She always listens closer when it's a new book, memorizing the flow and telling me what's coming up next.

Renee's favorites are:

• Cars and Trucks and Things That Go by Richard Scarry - This is hands down her favorite book. She LOVES looking for Goldbug and learning about the various vehicles.
• Silly Sally by Audrey Wood, Don Wood - She can recite this book from memory. We have read it that many times.
• The Napping House by Audrey Wood, Don Wood - She giggles at the end of this book every.single.time. I love the build up and anticipation and the illustrations are beautiful.
• Big Red Barn by Margaret Wise Brown, Felicia Bond - This is the first children's book we got (a gift from my sister Jen the day after I found out I was pregnant with Renee). It is still a favorite.
• Time For Bed by Mem Fox, Jane Dyer - Our last book before going to sleep every night. I recite it from memory sometimes when the kids are particularily aggitated in the night. It ALWAYS calms them down and will always, always have a special place in my heart.
• Angelina at the Palace by Katherine Holabird, Helen Craig - The way Renee says "An-ga-yina" is cute enough that I almost want to have another baby girl just so I can name her Angelina. A great little girl book.

 I'm looking for book suggestions, what are your kids' favorite books?

the pioneer woman and marlboro man

My sister and her friend Stacy went to the Mall of America to meet the Pioneer Woman (and Marlboro Man and the boys - bonus!) They waited for what I've gathered was a long time to meet her which I can totally see because I imagine Ree can talk. And talk. And talk. I'm holding out hope that the cookbook she's signing is for me (hi sister, Christmas IS coming up :) Anyways, here's a couple of pictures - I wish I could have gone along ladies!!!