beanski

one long year

I don't know where I'm going with this post. More or less to muse about being a mom and the complete transformation that happens when you become one. These feelings have been building since we found out about Renee and I guess this is a product of the last year of my life. She became an IT a year ago today and in that year I've undergone a dramatic transformation. I haven't talked much about it here because I'm pretty introverted and pouring myself out online really isn't my style. I had a pretty rough pregnancy in general, or at least my perception of it was rough. Maybe everyone sees their first pregnancy (or all pregnancies?) as rough. I threw up numerous times a day for the first 11 weeks, found a lump in my breast at 16 weeks that I saw numerous specialists, surgeons and ultrasound technicians about until 24 weeks at which point I had surgery to have the lump removed. With surgery came the stress of exposing my unborn baby to drugs that I was wanting to avoid and fears that I would be unable to breastfeed. I was "strongly encouraged" to do it because the doctors said it was exhibiting the same characteristics as cancer. It wasn't, thank God. At 28 weeks, I failed my 1-hour glucose screening and worried for another few weeks about gestational diabetes until I took the 3-hour glucose screening that I passed. At 30 weeks, I took my first deep breath and vowed to enjoy being pregnant. My 32 week appointment had other plans because I found out the baby was breech. My dreams of having a baby naturally (when I say "naturally" I mean "vaginally" not without epidural...let's not get crazy here folks) were replaced with thoughts of another major surgery. My doctor encouraged trying a "breech version" to try to get the baby to flip and I agreed in hopes of avoiding the c-section. The version caused my water to break that night and Ski and I ended up rushing to the hospital in the middle of the night four weeks before my due date with visions of NICU in our heads. I remember thinking during the drive that it all would have been worth it if the baby was healthy. And I thank my lucky stars every day that she is. After everything she went through, she really is my miracle. I would love to say the stress and general uneasyness ended when she was born healthy. Unfortunately it didn't. My c-section took almost three hours and there I was, strapped on that table all alone, asking repeatedly what was wrong. My tiny new baby and my husband were gone...off getting acquainted without me. They kept telling me nothing was wrong but I knew better. After the surgery, my doctor came over and said something about a septum in my uterus, how it was unlikely that I would ever carry a baby to full-term and how we would talk more about it in the morning. As I lay in recovery asking the nurse over and over when I would get to see my baby girl I wondered whether my baby was OK and whether she would ever have a brother or sister. The next few days were a blur of drugs, nursing, learning to walk again and some family drama that has caused a bunch of stress on my marriage. Then, we got home and I got smacked over the head with the Baby Blues. I cried because she was so small. I cried because I never got a chance to finish her nursery. I cried because I felt robbed of an entire month of my pregnancy. I cried because I had a c-section and never even felt (and probably never will feel) what a contraction feels like. I cried because I was convinced I would never have another baby. Then, just when I was beginning to get more confident and comfortable with being a mom, I gave her a dose of Vitamin D when she was four weeks old and she choked. She turned blue. I did the heimlich. Ski called 911. I can honestly say I thought she was going to die. I went back to square one. I cried for days at a time and wondered if I would ever be the same. And, almost four months later, I know the answer to this is no. The culmination of these events was profoundly life-changing for me. I think becoming a mom is life-changing in and of itself but I believe the trauma of the last year has caused me to hold Renee maybe a little tighter than I probably should. And, there are days when I feel guilty for that and there are days that I want to tell all of the judging souls out there to get a life. As the saying goes, "Until you walk a mile in someone else's shoes, don't judge."

I am doing the best job that I can. Renee is a happy baby. Her mom and dad love her and would do anything in the world for her. I know I'm a good mom. I love my husband with all of my heart and we spend a lot of time on the road visiting family. My little girl is going to grow up knowing and loving her cousins and her grandparents. My hope for her is that she will understand the importance of family. The sacrifice that comes along with that is that our day-to-day life is chaotic. Maybe I don't get a chance to exercise or take pictures or to go away with Ski for a weekend alone. Maybe I don't see my friends as often as I'd like. Maybe the house is pigsty and we don't eat as healthy as we used to. I know these things aren't permanent and if at the end of it all, I still have a husband that loves me, a little girl that is happy and healthy and an extended family full of love, I figure we win. The rest is just details. It took me a entire year of "why did this all have to happen to me?" and "so-and-so is a better mom than me" to come to the realization that I don't care what other people think. We are happy and healthy and that's all that matters to me.

She was worth it, wasn't she? LOVE the hat, Heather!

due date

My baby is due today. Oh, the irony...

I promise new pictures soon. We are going north this weekend on our first adventure and I need to get organized and clean the house. I've been neglecting everything since the Harry Potter book came. I finished it yesterday so now I'm ready to get something done - pictures and chores. The final installment of Harry Potter did not disappoint. I'm now on to harassing my husband to hurry up so I can talk about it...

I'm a bad, bad blogger these days.

an extra day of rest

We got up this morning all ready to go, Ski started packing things up and organizing and I started worrying. The doctor came in and checked me out, wrote me some prescriptions for pain killers (thank God) and we fed the little sweetie. The pediatrician came in about an hour later and while the baby and I are getting better and better at nursing, she is showing some preliminary signs of jaundice. So they want to keep her (and by extension us) another day. I think Ski was ready to get the heck out of here but I feel sort of relieved that I have another day to rest up and prepare myself for going home.

Renee is the sweetest little thing. I don't know if it's just because she's a preemie but all of the nurses gush over her every time the see her. My nurse came in last night and I was talking about and her she said, "Oh, you're Renee's mom...we all just love her. She's so cute." Maybe they say that to everyone but I feel better about my obsession as I could just sit and stare at her all day long. I don't even dread getting up in the middle of the night to feed her (yet) because I can't wait to see what she looks like and if she's changed since the last time I saw her. This mom thing is going to be quite a ride...

Pictures are coming, I promise...

little miss renee

IT'S A GIRL!!!!

Renee Rose Skopinski
Born June 30, 2007 @ 2:24AM
5lbs 13oz
18 inches long

I can't get FTP to work from the hospital but we are going home tomorrow and I will post a picture (or 30) of the little princess then. It has been a totally insane experience but she's healthy and we are SO thankful for that. The long and the short of my labor story is that my water broke at around midnight on Friday night, we rushed in to the hospital and she was born via c-section two hours later! It was an EXTREMELY scary two hours wondering what almost four weeks early was going to mean for her development but she came out screaming and full of color and almost six pounds seemed reasonable to us! The doctors keep assuring me that everything is great and she is even starting to get the hang of nursing.

More to come soon...

stuck

We got up this morning at 4:30AM and headed to the Birthing Center to try to turn the baby. They checked us in right away and hooked us up to the monitors, started an IV, etc. Then we waited/watched the heart rate and the contractions I couldn't feel on the monitor for a good two hours. My doctor got there and they gave me some crazy medicine to relax my uterus through the IV that made me vomit (my doctor said she has never had anyone vomit so it can be my claim to fame), bent my head back and started pushing on my belly. The baby wouldn't move more than an inch either way. It hurt but it wasn't the excruciating pain I had envisioned in my over-active imagination. My doctor quit about 7 minutes in and said, "it's stuck and not going anywhere." So, now I'm on to mentally preparing myself for the c-section I'm going to be stuck with and if the baby flips on its own in the next few weeks, I'll treat it as a bonus. At least I can tell myself I tried everything I could and at least we didn't have the baby today (we both were awake most of the night last night worrying about what we would do if that happened).

I'm exhausted. Not sure if it was the drugs, the stress, the early morning or a combination of all three but I could literally go to sleep and not get up for about three days. In fact, I think that's just what I'll do when I get home from work today. The doctor told me I wasn't allowed to travel so I'm even stuck at home this weekend missing my Griffin's very 1st birthday party.

my little breech baby

I knew going to my doctor appointment this morning that the baby hadn't flipped but she confirmed it (Ski's baby = little turkey). We scheduled an "external cephalic version" for Friday morning where they are going to try to flip the baby over by pushing on my belly. It's done at the Birthing Center and they monitor the baby pretty closely so there is very little risk. She said she has only had one result in an emergency c-section in the many years she's been doing it and that one was because the baby had some other problems going in to the procedure. So hopefully it works and I can have this baby the right way and if that is too much to ask, I'm just praying we don't end up with a baby at the end of Friday. Because I don't think the baby is quite "cooked" yet and because I'm totally not emotionally ready yet. This begs the question "Can one ever be emotionally ready?" to which I'll respond with a resounding "Not a chance." At this point I've given up on all of my expectations for how I envisioned this pregnancy going and am currently just hoping and praying for a healthy baby at the end of all of this.

For you lurkers that I know are out there and never leave comments (hint, hint), make a guess about the sex/birthday before Friday because I'm locking the ExpectNet game down then. And you wouldn't want to miss your chance as that would be a travesty of epic proportions...

peeing uncontrollably

OK, this is getting ridiculous. I got up SEVEN times between 10:30PM last night and 6:00AM this morning to pee. And actually peed more than a drop or two each time. Is this human? SEVEN. It has to be a world record or something.

34 weeks

I had my 34 week appointment today. I finally asked the doctor what the heart rate was because it's been driving me crazy not knowing. She said, "It's in the 130s" and then it kicked and she said "Now it's in the 140s." I don't know what that means but whatever. I have gained 27 pounds and am measuring on track. My blood pressure was higher than it has been but not high enough to be concerned so they are going to keep an eye on it. I made the mistake of asking how the baby is positioned and she got out the ultrasound machine and it is breech. So the brat has 3 weeks to figure out how to get head down. OR ELSE. Mommy will not be a happy mommy if not because mommy does not want to have a c-section. I guess I should be thankful that if I have to have one, I can know it going in and not have to go through the whole labor thing, push for 3 hours and then have the c-section anyways (this happened to both my sister-in-law and a girl I used to work with at the circus).

I think the persistent, every-five-minute-comments about my size are my least favorite part about being pregnant. Some people take the "you're not big at all, are you sure everything is OK?" approach and others take the "wow your belly is really big - at least you can't tell by looking at your face" approach. Did I comment to other people about how big or not big they were when they were in their last six weeks? I hope not. And if I did, I'm TRULY sorry. The next time I see an overly pregnant woman I'm going to make sure to ask her what she is having for dinner all the while completely ignoring the basketball protruding off of the front of her abdomen. Poor me, I know. I can't wait until they start ignoring me and obsessing about how cute the baby is. Because we all know s/he is cute. Overly cute. The cutest baby to ever be created by mankind. I know this because after all of this work, it BETTER be.

Now that I'm done with the complaining, I'll say that I am thankfully feeling pretty good. When I overdo it, I pay for it but I guess I should expect that. If I follow my routine of work, exercise, make dinner, read/play with pictures/watch TV, I manage to go to bed and wake up feeling pretty good. The baby's kicks are intense sometimes but I try to enjoy them because I know I will miss them once s/he is born. I spend a lot of time in the middle of the night wondering what the baby looks like and smells like and if s/he will be high-strung like me or ultra-laid back like Ski. Or hopefully somewhere in the middle. I try to imagine my doctor saying "It's a girl" or "It's a boy" and looking at his/her face for the first time. Or seeing Ski holding our baby for the first time after I've carried it around by myself for nine (ten) months. I can't really comprehend what that will feel like but I get more and more ready for it every day.

I think we're close (enough) to ready as far as baby gear goes that we will need in the first few months. I am not physically capable of buying anything else green or yellow or white. I ordered a stroller today and that was the last big thing on my list. We have a lot of miscellaneous things to do (clean, cook, figure out benefits, write birth plans and call lists) but are planning on hibernating in our newly air-conditioned house (i.e., the "meat locker") for the month of July and I'm hopeful we'll be able to get it all done and manage to be rested and ready to tackle this new adventure when s/he decides to make his/her grand appearance. Or the against-my-will c-section happens. It must be the hormones but putting in to words the things that have been going through my head lately makes me want to sit around and cry. Let's hope for Ski's sake it passes.

bladder boxing

The fetus is back to it's favorite trick this week: bladder boxing. On Tuesday I was walking up the stairs at work and the brat punched me so hard in the bladder that I yelled 'STOP THAT' outloud. I just hope no one heard me or they might think I have Tourette's syndrome (or an imaginary friend). It is also pushing on my ribs periodically throughout the day...almost like it is stretching for 2-3 minutes while I double over in pain. I'm hoping the bladder boxing and rib jabbing mean that it is pointed down because those 'YOU are pregnant? Here read this quick' books tell me that is what we're looking for. On a completely unrelated note, I'm getting really tired of calling the baby IT.

I finally cleaned up the clutter in the nursery (translation 'shoved it all in the closet and shut the door') and took some pictures of it. I need to do wall stuff yet, get a small table and a bookshelf or a changing table for the corner but other than that, it is done. Oh, and a mattress might be nice (by the way the sheets are white with stripes in the same colors as the polka dots). I LOVE it. Every time I walk by the room I glance in and can not believe that there is going to be another human being that is half me and half Ski living in that room in two short months.

Here is my big bad self at 31 weeks. My face is getting fat. I would use the term gi-nor-mous because that is how I feel but think I better reserve that for six weeks from now. Can someone please tell me where 4-7 more pounds of baby is going to go? Not the best pictures but I'm too lazy to redo them. I get lazier and lazier every week, huh?

75% cooked

I had my 30 week appointment yesterday. The fetus is officially 75% cooked. So if we're talking in steaks, still pretty rare. I've gained 21 pounds and everything else was normal. My doctor listens to the heartrate for about 2 seconds and then says 'sounds good' so I have no idea what that is these days. I have been feeling really good physically...now if the house gets painted and the other 30 things on my list of things to resolve get finished, I'll feel like a million bucks.

We started our childbirth classes on Tuesday night:
The annoying stuff

The length - 5:30-9:30 PM for three nights in row might kill me. Don't they know pregnant women need to eat dinner and go to bed by 9 PM? At least this one does...

Fun Fetus Facts - we both had to bite our tongues to stop from laughing...and not in a 'haha' way but in a 'this is totally lame' way. Does everything really need a gimmick?

Sound effects on PowerPoint slides - everything had a 'bleep' or a 'boing' or a little kid laughing. I'm presuming this was designed to keep us awake but seriously, it's just annoying. The horrifying pictures and video of babies coming out of the birth canal would have been enough to hold my attention.

The good stuff

Ski getting involved and educated so I'm not alone in the labor room - I have been reading obsessively about the whole birthing thing and pain relief options but he had no clue what to expect. He came home actually saying 'that was helpful' which is odd because complaining endlessly is usually more his style.

Tour of Birthing Center - we got to see a birthing suite and how the beds operate and what kind of equipment is available. This made me feel about a thousand times better. We also got to see a teeny tiny 5lb baby which made me even more excited to see what this baby looks like.

Other pregnant people - It was good to see other pregnant women with the same due date to see that I'm not THAT unnaturally big and to hear them complaining about heartburn and back pain to reassure myself that I'm not a total wuss.

We are supposed to go up to Grand Marais this weekend to stay at a remote cabin on Lake Superior. Hopefully mother nature cooperates and the fires up there slow down so we can actually go. We're beginning to think we're not meant to have a quiet weekend alone before this kid comes...first the blizzard to thwart our trip to Austin and now wildfires in Grand Marais. These combined with the other nagging problems (with our new chair, tickets to the Twins game and rain every time we try to do a outdoor project) and I'm beginning to wonder if I did something to invoke bad karma. I'm really hoping not. Think positive thoughts...think positive thoughts...think positive thoughts...

The new Wilco album came out on Tuesday and I haven't even bought it yet. That is pathetic. I'm really losing my touch...I must rectify that today.