urge

I have this overhwhelming urge to change something. Buy something big. Change jobs. Start a business. Book an expensive vacation.

I have had a hard time putting my finger on just what I'm looking for or what I feel like I'm missing.

It is just stress, I think, but it is suffocating. The work deadlines that I have been working towards for three years are looming and I have a lot of work left to do. That's fine and everything, I do know how to work hard or at least I used to, it's just that I don't really care if it gets done on time. And shouldn't I care?

The kids are getting bigger and I guess I magically expected things to get so much easier once we got out of the baby stage. I didn't account for the three-year-old phase. The phase where she talks back about EVERYTHING. About how she takes all of her frustrations out on me on her brother and her dad. Gone is my little snuggly girl wanting mommy time and in her place is this bossy little being who doesn't do anything she doesn't feel like doing. Like, she WILL NOT nap anymore but then turns into a raging lunatic around 4PM because guess what? SHE'S FRICKING TIRED. She doesn't believe me and insists that she's "not tired" because she turned three and now she knows everything and I know nothing.

Apparently.

I spent a weekend on Rainy Lake for the first time in a few years where I actually got to take the time to feel my hair floating in the water. I spent time sitting on my parent's boat drinking white wine with my mom and talking to my dad about Twins baseball. I want more. More lake time. More mom and dad time. More husband time.

So, when we got home, I bit the bullet and I hired a babysitter. I spent a night on the beach with my husband and my long lost friends and it was awesome and then we got stuck by barges going under the lift-bridge coming home and I LOST IT because I didn't want to be late getting home to the first babysitter I've ever hired.

It doesn't matter how many babysitters I hire or how many weekends I spend on the boat or how many beach vacations I spend hours planning in my head. At the end of my little mental break, I'm still The Mom. The pressure, the worry, the responsibility, it never goes away.

There is always someone in need of new shoes or a trip to the pediatrician for the well-baby visit that isn't covered by our crappy health insurance. There is always swimming classes and ballet classes that I never actually register the kids for because I forget or don't have time but then I spend so much time feeling guilty that they aren't getting those experiences that I should have just taken them to class in the first place. There is another week's worth of dinner to plan and another 14 baskets of laundry to put away.

Most days I can handle it. I do my job and I kiss my children and I thank my lucky stars that I have them and that I am married to a really kind man.

And some days I just want out. I want to quit my job, sell the kids on ebay, and run for the mountains.

Today, I read this post and for long enough for me to write this post I felt it was OK for me to complain. She must have broken in and stole those thoughts from my own head. I know someday Ski and I will have all the time in the world and twenty bucks says that I spend most of it sitting around missing my babies.

Comments

[The Mommy]

This is such a hard stage of married life. The fact is, marriage is hard work BEFORE kids. The fact that you guys had a strong relationship to start with is certainly in your favor, but keep working at it. It WILL get easier.

I'm currently doing The Love Dare (yea, by myself. Men.) and it's been interesting so far (I'm not even a week in yet). I figure, it can't hurt!

Also? 3-year-old angst. It will make you want to pull your hair out, set your eyebrows on fire, and run screaming through town...just so you don't have to hear, "NO! I wanna do it! BY MY SELF!" one.more.time! I will take the terrible twos any day of the week...but the power struggle with a 3-year-old makes me want to list her on craigslist. And then she falls asleep.

[anne]

I rarely send links of mommy blog stuff to my husband, but that post that you linked to? I sent it to him yesterday. Just to show him it's not just us; we're not the only ones suffering through The Lost Years (as we like to call them:) Do you think if we post our 3 year olds as a pair on ebay, we'd get more takers?

[kim]

wow.

i feel the EXACT same way. i have the overwhelming urge to change something BUT i don't know why. i should be happy... i AM happy... i think?

i've thought a lot about it lately and wonder if it's just because, like you said once in another post (that i have since gone back to read), that your life is defined and that is weird. we had the wedding. we're not having more kids. we're in what is likely our 'forever' house. so is it just because there is nothing MAJOR on the horizon besides watching the kids grow? maybe. and if that is all, the i don't really think i should feel like this. but maybe there is something more.

as for that other post, if it makes you feel any better (and maybe it won't, but hey): i think tom and i get a lot more time together as a couple than most people in our same situation. his parents live 5 minutes away. mine live an hour away and are always willing to help us out for a weekend. we have date nights fairly often. we were just in minneapolis for a weekend, and in august the two of us are going to vancouver for nearly a week. when it comes down to it, he is the reason that i don't blog lately... at the end of the day i choose between spending an hour on the computer or spending an hour on the couch with him, and he wins out (even though i HATE the fact that i haven't been blogging - hate). most days we chat at work. even the fact that we ride together to and from work helps us. so we're lucky. BUT. it's exactly what you said - it doesn't matter how much. it just doesn't. don't get me wrong - it's great to have a break. but there are still weeks that go by where we are totally disconnected because we are just so BUSY and yes, because he takes the boy and i take the girl and we do baths and bedtimes for sometimes way too long. and no matter how much of a break you get, and whether it's mental, or real, or whatever, it never goes away, The Mom Thing. and sometimes, in all honesty, the breaks are just not worth it - figuring out what they'll eat with the babysitter while we're out eating dinner, worrying if the kids are going to sleep for her, or worrying that my MIL is annoyed we're not back yet. or the stress of packing up the kids for a weekend, leaving them, coming home to a disaster of a house and even MORE laundry and NO groceries and then no time to do it before another crazy week starts - and oh, the guilt, did i mention the guilt? when i think about leaving them next month for a week, my stomach hurts. we also get quite a bit of time on our own - he is gone a LOT for baseball, and so i think i compensate myself for that in some ways - i make sure i go out on girls nights and on shopping days every month or two, and this weekend i'm going to colorado with my parents while he stays home with the kids. i tell myself that i deserve those things because he's gone so much, that i need to do them, that they are good for me. and he is really good about it. BUT. no matter how much we support each other in those things we do alone - and we do - it still leads to resentment between us. is just has to, because, well, it's hard work going it alone. he's texting me when i'm out with my friends asking how long until i get home. i'm crabby with him when he's gone for the fourth weekend in a row. i feel incredibly guilty for leaving him alone this weekend with a THREE-YEAR-OLD (they deserve caps, don't they?) and a baby that doesn't want to go to bed. i guess what i'm trying to say is, even if you do get that time to yourself or with your friends, your parents, or your husband quite often - it doesn't exactly cure things. i spend a LOT of time wishing these days away and at the same time knowing i absolutely shouldn't be.

sorry for the novel. maybe i should just go write on my own blog for once. :)

i will also say that i have lunch with a friend with two young kids every couple weeks, and we spend a lot of time venting. and it helps. because honestly, no matter how great my husband is, he's still a guy and they're just wired differently. and my mom understands but that WAS 25 years ago. and my friends without kids? um, yeah. so if you ever want to have coffee or lunch or wine... or just email me... let me know. because dude, i am SO on the same page. more like on the same sentence.

[Nicole]

Dude! I think YOU broke into MY head and stole my thoughts! I am forever looking for something to change - to make different just so I can say that I did something that was outside the rut that I live in from day-to-day. I agree with The Mommy in saying that this particular point in marriage/child-rearing seems to stink - and it is more than just the dirty diapers. I constantly feel pulled in so many directions that I just shut down and can't seem to make any solid decision to save my life. I too have failed at getting the kids in swimming/dance/gymnastics/anything - and I feel horribly guilty about it. I wish I knew the answer! And I wish it were just as simple as scheduling a date night (a suggestion that I personally find to be a load of crap.) I think what I am finding the hardest right now is the fact that I can see glimpses of me and who I was and who I want to be poking through the parenthood-induced-haze that I have been living under for the last 5 years, and I am now craving it like a crack-fiend - I want more, and yet I can't quite have it yet.

I am glad you got a babysitter and went out - I need to bit the bullet and do the same thing - even if it is just for ME to get away for a few hours.

[jenny]

i have had this post up on my computer since you wrote it. like everyone else, you broke into my head and stole all those random thoughts that were floating around.

i've had the chance to be home right now with both my boys and while i AM thankful, there are days where i wish i could just run away with the circus (and have an automatically fabulous body of a trapeze girl). here's the thing ... i am home and i have all the time to devote to my husband, my kids and this house ... but it never works that way. i don't even have to worry about actually working my real job (the one that actually pays REAL money) right now and i still can't 'have it all'. i had big plans to do things that would make ME happy this summer ... but i've barely done any of them. i've spent time catering to everything else. and not to me. being THE MOM, i think it is natural to put the responsibility of everything onto yourself.

some days i am very jealous of my friends that don't have kids. i know this is silly, but they have what i will NEVER have again. and even though i love my life, some times it would just be nice to not have to worry about a babysitter and all that jazz just to go out and have a drink. :)

great post. now i need to go find a babysitter. i think i need a drink.

[Ana]

Ha ha. Ditto. Ditto to your post. Ditto to the post you linked to. Ditto to everyone's comments. I'm glad I (we) are not alone.

[Robin]

oh so true! But I'm here to tell you there is light at the end of the tunnel! Your kids will grow up and honestly they won't CARE if you don't want to spend 100% of your free time with them! In fact, they seem to welcome that! The spouse thing will get better too if you work on it. Like I should talk, I need to put more effort in myself, but it DOES get better!