ch-ch-changes

Everything in life can be tied to a David Bowie song.

I've been hearing ch-ch-changes in my head a lot lately. 

I watch the ripples change their size
But never leave the stream
of warm impermanence
So the days float through my eyes
But still the days seem the same
And these children that you spit on
As they try to change their worlds
Are immune to your consultations
They're quite aware of what they're going through

Renee got real bed. When I go into her room I am astonished at the fact that a girl lives there. I miss her crib.

Then she started preschool. Preschool where she has to have her own crayons and markers with her name on them. Preschool where she gets graded daily on her behavior. She has a mailbox with her name on it and when I pick her up there is art in it. Art that my baby made.

She pooped on the potty three times this week. She puts most of her pee in the potty and not in her diaper. She's a kid. I have a kid.

Cameron is slowly but surely finding his voice. He's communicating. There's no more having a serious discussion when he's in the room because he's listening. The little sponge is soaking it all in.

The other day I asked him for a kiss and a hug. I've never asked him for that before. He walked right over, pursed his lips and kissed me smack dab on the lips. He was so proud of himself. I was so proud of him.

We are on the fast track to getting rid of his bottle, of saying goodbye to the quintessential sign that a baby lives at our house once and for all. I haven't been in a big hurry for this with him because he's my baby and babies drink bottles. But, I know deep down that it is time. I'm pretty sure I will shed a tear when I take his bottles out of the dishwasher for the last time.

I've been compiling things to craigslist, baby things, paraphenelia that I spent days reasearching and picking out. Things that are just taking up space in my house because I can't bear the thought of parting with them. I feel guilty about that because I know they are things that someone else can use.

Yesterday someone offered to buy the glider from the nursery and I'm seriously considering selling it. It makes me sad that I'm even considering it.

Every mother goes through this, I'm sure. It's hard. I know that they are just things but when I look at them, when I fold up those little preemie clothes that she barely filled out, my heart breaks. I can see her in them. It doesn't seem like that long ago.

While we haven't ruled out having more children completely, we have ruled them out for the foreseeable future. I am not willing to give up any more of my very limited time with these two little people that I already know and love in order to bring a third into the mix right now. Their dad doesn't really want anymore kids. I know that I shouldn't want more kids but I do. It's bittersweet.

I know that selling or donating the baby things isn't really The End. I know that I can buy a new Jumperoo. I know I can get a different baby carrier. I know that the bedroom we have open that was intended to be filled by another little person when we bought our house can be used for an office. I have come to terms with our Christmas card being signed by a family of four.

I think I have come to terms with it.

Except maybe I haven't. I wonder how one gets to the point where they actually feel 100% sure.

I think more than anything it is hard to accept that the big events coming up in our lives are twenty years out, when our kids get married and have their own kids. College is over. We did the wedding thing. Our babies were born. Those days that will remain etched in your brain for all of eternity, the days where there is that aura of excitement around you, are over. While I know that the kids starting school and learning to play the piano are important things, they just aren't the kind of things that define your life.

It feels weird to wonder if my life is defined.

Strange fascination, fascinating me
Changes are taking the pace I'm going through

Thinking of David Bowie brought to the surface one of the most vivid memories I have of when I was pregnant with Renee. I took a road trip to Minneapolis alone. I don't remember where I was going but I distinctly remember cranking up David Bowie's Kooks and singing at the top of my lungs. At that point, the song really defined what I viewed Ski and I becoming parents to look like. I can remember her kicking along with the tunes and I remember smiling. The smile was the kind of smile that takes up your whole face. The kind of smile that can only come from overwhelming happiness to have a baby growing in your belly.

Will you stay in our Lovers' Story
If you stay you won't be sorry
'Cause we believe in you
Soon you'll grow so take a chance
With a couple of Kooks
Hung up on romancing

We bought a lot of things
to keep you warm and dry
And a funny old crib on which the paint won't dry
I bought you a pair of shoes
A trumpet you can blow
And a book of rules
On what to say to people
when they pick on you
'Cause if you stay with us you're gonna be pretty Kookie too

And if you ever have to go to school
Remember how they messed up
this old fool
Don't pick fights with the bullies
or the cads
'Cause I'm not much cop at punching other people's Dads
And if the homework brings you down
Then we'll throw it on the fire
And take the car downtown

And then I got to thinking that maybe I am wrong to wallow in letting go of my babies. Maybe I was wrong and it really is these little moments that define my life and not the big moments at all.

Comments

[Tara]

awesome post G.

[AmandaH]

Really beautiful! Thank you for sharing.

[Kellie]

Very nice :)

I sold the glider I had when Morgan was a baby. Of course, this was before I even thought of baby #2, let alone was pregnant with said baby. In the place of the glider, I bought this oversize (larger than standard size, smaller than a loveseat) chair that is hideously comfortable. That chair is to us now what the glider was--our special place to sit and read or cuddle and talk. I was sort of sad when the glider went, but knowing I wanted the chair made it easier--I wasn't getting rid of baby memories, I was making room for toddler and little girl memories :)

[kim]

love it. :)

and the preschool thing is craaaaaaaaazy.

[Heather]

well said, Gina! i cried when i packed up Gabe's premie clothes too...now i cry when he advances in reading or i drop him off at the ski hill for the first time by himself...what a mother's emotions are put through... (see you tonight!)

[Nicole]

"I wonder how one gets to the point where they are 100% sure." You and me both! It is so very bittersweet watching your kids grow up and knowing that the things that they do may very well be the last of those things that you will get to enjoy . . . bottles, binkies, cribs . . . all of it! Someone once told me that I would know I was done when I could hold a newborn and give him/her back when they started crying and be thankful that I didn't have to deal with it. Truthfully? I don't ever see that happening.

What a wonderful, well written post. Big hugs to you!

[Becks]

sniff, sniff. Everyday I carry something out to the garage and put it in the "I'm done having kids and having a huge garage sale this summer" pile. My husband looks at me like I'm crazy half the time. I was so sure a month ago. Now my baby turns two in 2 days and I walked past a newborn the other day and my uterus hurt! I just moved the glider out of their room to give them space to play with all their toys but it's not going in the garage. The clothes are next to go through. IF, that's a big if, we have another one, I'll buy new. I think that's what the crazy husband look is for! Love you!

[The Mommy]

If you think about it, you spend crazy amounts of time worrying, planning, and anticipating the "big" day (wedding, birth, etc.) and in reality it's what happens AFTER that requires the planning (marriage, raising children, etc.). I'm lucky that I have a husband who is very focused on the "after" parts instead of the event. I can't tell you how many times I've heard him say, "Keep it simple!"

Either way, I hate change. And being done having children has been a GINORMOUS change for me. I totally understand, except in our case we're really too old to "wait and see" ;) This baby factory is closed...