not exactly what i had in mind

When I found out I was pregnant the first time I focused my daydreams on newborn smiles and adorable little pink pajamas and that smell of fresh Pampers. I knew that my baby, my experience, would be perfect. I planned on being the mom that didn't let a little infant cramp her style, figured I have friends and career and a house in the suburbs. 

I didn't exactly envision a baby screaming for hours on end every.single.day. I didn't see the sleepless nights or the pre-term labor or the stress involved with picking out piece after piece of baby paraphernalia in a age where paranoia runs rampant. I didn't understand the importance of a schedule or how fucking bad it sucks to be the mom on the days when you have no other choice than to throw it.

When I decided that nursing was the only thing for me I didn't plan on being the only person with the ability to soothe her. Or on my nipples bleeding every day for five consecutive months. 

I didn't plan on teething and fevers and colds and days and days and DAYS of poopy diaper after pooping fricking diaper.

I didn't plan on never seeing my friends, of really not having any friends. I didn't imagine my career would cease to matter to me all together.

When I found out I was pregnant for the second time I couldn't wait to tell my daughter about her sibling. I saw friendship and bubbles and them racing around the house in hysterics. I couldn't imagine giving her any greater gift than giving her a brother.

What I didn't see this time was the fact that she would want nothing to do with him. I didn't envision him crawling over to her with a look of absolute joy on his face only to have her throw her hand up his face, scream a pissed off scream and shout "I don't like Cammon. Go away Cammon." Or worse yet, I never once planned on her kicking him in the head five times a day.

But here we are, my daydreams, my Johnson and Johnson baby commercial dreams shattered by reality.

Today I have had to tell myself a thousand times that there are so many other good things that I didn't see coming. Things I couldn't plan for until I saw the babies that I carried around in my womb for nine months. It's how hard they can make you laugh over the dumbest stuff. How far your heart can grow from watching them learn a new thing. How amazing it is when they start remembering things, experiences, or when they'll FINALLY sit on your lap long enough to read a book.

I didn't understand the pride when I made my plans. But that pride is what keeps me going, what gets me through days like this.

Today was hard. Today I spent a lot of the day feeling sad for my daughter who doesn't want her brother around. I felt a LOT of sadness for my son who wants nothing more than to be the apple of his sister's eye. I felt helpless, like it doesn't matter how much I want her to love him, or how bad I want him to understand why she's behaving the way she's behaving, that I have no control.

Then I really started to think about it. I haven't had control in a very long time.

And today I'm OK with that.

Comments

[The Mommy]

It's hard to see your children not get along. It almost makes you feel like you have to choose sides. My oldest really didn't like his baby brother for a long time (they're 21 months apart), but now they're inseparable. It's a period of adjustment for everyone. I know you love them both equally...and so do they. Sometimes it DOES suck. And some days are the best of your life. You're doing a great job!

[Cara]

All so true and well put. I'm on the fence about having #2 for the same reasons. It's so easy to focus on how dreamy and pleasant it could be, but what if it's not? At least kids go through phases and it might not be forever.

[Nicole]

It's really fucking hard - all of it. But it gets better. One day they will adore each other - it may be the day Renee turns 18, but it will happen. It is hard to watch your firstborn be so unhappy with the joy you thought your secondborn would give her . . . on those days I try to remind myself that I had multiple children so that there was one more to take care of me when I am old and gray.

[Gretchen]

I don't have kids, but I do have a mom and a sister. My sister and I are best friends now, but this didn't happen until I was in my early teens. We used to fight constantly and want nothing to do with each other until this time. I never understood why my mom would cry when we would fight as little kids, but I think that I understand it more now. She (like you) just wanted the best for us. She knew that my sister and I would spend every holiday together for many years and hoped that we would choose to spend many other occasions with each other. Point being, I know that it took a while for us (which you probably don't want to hear), but I couldn't imagine not having her around now. Thank you for reminding me how wonderful good friends are (whether they are your sibling or not) and how badly my mom has always wanted the best for me. Thank you for prompting me to be a better friend, sister, daughter. Renee & Cameron will have this no matter if it takes days or years.