It feels a bit like the end of a vacation, like I've gone through the cycle of packing, traveling, getting settled in to our vacation lodging, have enjoyed five or six days of just being on vacation and am now a day or two away from packing it all up and going home. The feeling at the end of vacation is always foreign to me, almost like I can't enjoy the last few days because I know that it is coming to an end and that I'll have to say goodbye and head home and the vacation lodging won't be mine anymore, it will be someone else's. And we might as well get it over with and go because it's inevitable and there is no amount of pleading for more time that is going to stop it.
That's how I feel at home now. I feel like it isn't ours anymore. I feel like we don't belong there. The house that used to be our home, the one place where I felt safe and calm, is alien to me. Everything is packed away in boxes, waiting for the movers to show up to transport them to the unknown. The pictures of my kids have been stripped from the walls and the nails sit there waiting to proudly hold up someone else's kids. The paint is the same, the rugs are still there. But we are gone. There is no home for this family anymore.
I don't bother buying groceries or weeding the garden because the fridge and the garden aren't mine anymore. Instead, I just sit and wait. I sit and wait and fret about what is to come. How will Renee handle this? What is Cameron going to think? What if we realize that we made a huge mistake and have finanically put ourselves in to a position where there isn't a damn thing we can do about it other than live miserably in a house we don't like?
At this point I just want it to be over. For a long time I wanted to stop it, have pleaded with my husband to find a way for us to get out of this, and have finally accepted that I have no other choice other than to accept his explanation that we must have made this decision for a reason. I am trying to believe him that these feelings are normal, that they are rooted in fear because it is easier to understand the known than the unknown. I'm trying to believe him that at some point in the not to distant future I will feel content instead of how I feel today, like my skin is crawling, like I can't take a deep breath.
I just hope he's right.
Oh boy. I bet it will take a while to get settled in too.
I will be thinking good thoughts for you.
When is the moving day set for?
Posted by: AmandaH | July 28, 2009 at 07:07 AM
He's right. You will take another person's "house" and make it your "home". Your pictures will hang on the nails there. Your kids will mark up the walls with their ride on toys (spoken from experience). Honestly, my feeling is that a home truly is where your heart is. Yours will be in the new "house" because that is where your loves are.
I'm thinking of you guys during this transition and wishing you tons of luck! Send the new address when you have it and I'll ship you a nice batch of chocolate chip cookies and a big bottle of wine!
Posted by: The Mommy | July 28, 2009 at 07:57 AM
They are right, once you get settled, you will make this house your home. and when you see the kids outside in that big yard running around happy as can be, you'll realize it's going to be their "home" too. Good luck with the final stages of your move, wish we could be there to help.
Posted by: Davina | July 28, 2009 at 12:27 PM