It was two months ago that Cameron started getting almost all of his breast milk (is it his milk or my milk?) out of bottles, which means that I have spent the last two months tethered to my breast pump. I went this way because the milk lets down on my right side way too fast for him causing him a gassy belly and causing me persistently bleeding nipples from him trying to slow it down enough to eat. I'm talking six ounces flying out of my right breast in like three minutes flat when it takes ten minutes to empty my left. I blame the surgery that I had to remove a lump in my breast when I was pregnant with Renee. She was obviously better at chugging that Cam because it never bothered her, in fact, as my memory recalls, she preferred that side. Get in, get out. A girl after my own breastfeeding heart.
Up until last week, the only time I nursed him was in the middle of the night and only ever on my left side. He seemed to enjoy it and that was the only time of the day that I was enjoying it and I figured we could make our relationship work that way forever.
But then one night he decided he hates nursing and wants nothing to do with it. Honestly, I can't even make a move to lift up my shirt and the boy flips the frick out. I sort of lived in denial about it, refusing to accept the fact that he didn't want me and just continued along down my pumping every seventeen seconds routine that I had grown accustomed to, adding a pumping session during the day to compensate for the extra milk he was having at night out of the bottle.
Then, I woke up Monday morning feeling resentful towards him, angry almost. I tried to nurse him because I was running short on pumped milk and I just couldn't bear the thought of pumping again after being up most of the night and he wouldn't have it. He arched his back and cried and acted like I was torturing him.
I decided that I had finally had enough and sent formula to mix in to his bottles at daycare. It pains me to give up on nursing, to walk away once and for all five months earlier than I wanted to, or had planned to. It literally makes me sick to my stomach. I know that the upset belly he had all night last night and the odd consistency of his poop this morning was my fault, a product of a choice that I am making for him.
I hate feeling that way. What it came down to, though, is that I had to choose between feeling angry at him or feeling angry at myself for failing and well, I just don't think a seven month old baby should be getting the blame.
We just couldn't make it work, Cameron and I, and it wasn't for lack of trying.
Please tell me his belly will get better. Please tell me that it will only take a week or two and his belly will stabilize allowing us to get more than 10 minutes of sleep. Please tell me that I'm not a bad mother for making this choice.
Girl you are so hard on yourself, of course you are making the right decision. Everything happens for a reason, and hopefully his belly will stabilize now that he is getting older. Good luck with everything I'm sure it's nerve racking, but you are doing the right thing, you are a great mother.
Posted by: Davina | June 03, 2009 at 12:00 PM
Hey there, I give you credit for hanging in there this long. I really don't think I would have, especially with all the pain you've gone through with this one. You've done a wonderful job so far and I promise things will get better from here! See you soon!
Posted by: Melissa | June 03, 2009 at 04:11 PM
You are a wonderful mother, and you are amazing for having given Cameron breastmilk for the last 7 months (especially when it involved so much pumping!) It is unfortunate that 'breast is best' is drilled into our heads so much that it makes mothers feel like failures if they (for whatever reason) choose not to go that path. Cameron will be fine - and so will you! And he will be just as smart (or smarter) than the kids who nursed for years. Heck . . . I suspect that he is already smarter than Cooper! I caught that kid (who nursed for 10.5 months) licking the window the other day . . . just because.
Posted by: Nicole | June 03, 2009 at 07:51 PM
Are you kidding me? You're a fantastic mommy! Seriously, if motherhood were a contest you'd be waaaay ahead of me! I think it's great that you had a goal of 1 year, but 7 months is a lot more than some people can or would give their baby! I don't know if his belly will stabilize SOON, but it will EVENTUALLY (and as a side note, you may have helped me to figure out why WE didn't sleep last night - AT ALL). Cam will be fine - and so will you. Sometimes we just have to do what we have to do. Remember, happy mommy = happy baby!
Posted by: The Mommy | June 04, 2009 at 06:44 AM
Bean...remember back to December when Emmitt gave me up? Well, since we both are sleep deprived...here is your post comment..."THEY can kiss my ass...it took me about six months of renee's life where i was a stress case trying to be the perfect mother to throw in the towel and tell them to shove it. as long as my kids have clean butts and are smiling i don't care what they say. cameron desparately wants to sleep on his stomach...renee weaned herself and still needed the calories from formula...she never likes nuks or sleeping in our bed but he does...SO FREAKING WHAT. no one is going to die. i hate the judgements and i hate moms who try to make it like they are perfect when i know they aren't.
off my soapbox.
December 17, 2008 11:20 AM"
So...tell whoever to kiss your ass. You are a GREAT mom and your kids love you, they are happy, and you have a supportive husband. Believe me, I KNOW how you feel. I had these same feelings. Just know that you did it, you rocked it, you are a super star mom and nobody is going to tell you differently! I am proud of you...
Posted by: Becky | June 04, 2009 at 07:27 PM