TFT: finding the right balance

The van was loaded to the gills with swimsuits and packed lunches, two pack n plays and lots and lots of diapers. The diapers I almost forgot in the midst of trying to pack the rest of the paraphernalia needed to spend one night in a hotel with two children under two.

The DVD player was armed with the familiar shows so that when the toddler demanded “more musit” we could quickly and easily comply. Anything to keep her from getting bored, from realizing that most kids her age don’t spend so much time in the car.

There was an extra glass of milk tucked neatly next to me in the case of a melt-down emergency. Because the milk has magic powers and is always successful at getting her to shut up for at least five minutes. And when you’re trapped in a van with two screaming children, sometimes one of them shutting up for five minutes is all you need to retain a shred of your sanity.

The aroma from the clothes soiled with spilled baby poop wafted up from the back, reminding me of the piles and PILES of laundry awaiting me when we finally returned home. The clothes that needed to be soaked and scrubbed and pre-treated because those breast milk poops? They stain. And those outfits? They’re borrowed.

When we’re coming home, having spent the two days prior to the trip packing and writing lists and organizing, the 24 hours we’re there putting out fires and trying to get the kids to just please be quiet and well-behaved, and the two days on the return end playing catch-up, I can’t help but wonder why we do it. I can’t help but wonder if it is worth it.

I bought a new momAgenda and I sighed a heavy sigh when I looked through what is going to be our next six months. I couldn’t help but feel guilty when I realized that at least every other weekend will be spent on the road, our family time spent with the children buckled in to their car seats, mom and dad hoping and praying from the front seat that this trip will go better than the last.

I want my children to know their cousins, their grandparents, their aunts and uncles. I want that. I want to be the kind of aunt that was always there for her nieces’ and nephew’s birthday parties. My sisters are my best friends; surely I want nothing more than to spend as much time as humanly possible with them. And don’t get me started on the grandparents because one of my biggest fears in life is my children not being able to remember their grandparents. We choose to live where we do, at least a hundred miles from any of our relatives and most of our friends and I know that. I take responsibility for that choice and this lifestyle is one of the consequences of that choice.

That is why we spend more weekends on the road than we spend at home; to build those memories, those moments, those relationships between my kids and their cousins, between my kids and their grandparents. And three trips out of four, or at least half of the trips, I come home feeling like all of the organizing and packing and distracting was worth it.

But I have to admit, there are days, especially after a particularly bad car ride followed by two nights where neither child slept all.night.long when I wonder why we do it. I wonder if we are doing our children a disservice by refusing to make a life here, in the town where we live. Everything we have scheduled is stuff I want to do but I can't help but wonder if they could make the choices about what we do this weekend, what would they chose? I wish I could ask them.

How often do you travel? Do you spend holidays at home or on the road? Do you have thoughts on how to find a perfect balance?

Comments

[The Mommy]

This is a very, very tough one for me. We also choose to live where we do - which is a 1- hour (each way) commute for my husband and a 1-hour round trip for me and the two youngest to pick our Oldest up from school. But we love the house and the huge yard and won't likely give it up.

However, my parents come here to visit every.single.Sunday. My kids ADORE them and would be devestated if they didn't. My MIL LIVED with us for five years, so the boys at least remember her. BUT the rest of the family dynamics suck. My kids don't have any cousins on my side. Their cousins on my husband's side (one of them being your hubby) are a GINORMOUS unknown, mostly because of the age differences (my boys aren't quite ready to hang out and have a beer at the family weddings yet;). I have tried to change things; to try to force the relationships that I wish were there. There are just soooo many factors contributing: time, distance, age, uh - issues, and dammit, it IS hard to travel with small kids - whether anyone wants to believe that or not. I WILL NOT let my husband use the kids as an excuse to NOT visit (with the exception of the family get-together that occurred THE DAY AFTER I BROUGHT OUR DAUGHTER HOME FROM THE HOSPITAL). But sometimes the expectations are ridiculous (see aforementioned get-together). Also? Sometimes we're justified in NOT forcing the relationship. When you try and try and try and receive nothing but rejection you eventually STOP trying. Sometimes, it's just less painful all around, even if it means the relationship goes to the birds.

The problem is that it's a situation that I CAN'T understand because my family is all so close (distance-wise and relationship-wise). We're together for the big holidays - whether we want to be or not. When my kids have a birthday? No one on my side of the family actually needs an invitation - they call and say "when should we be there?" Not so much on the other side (with a couple of exceptions). It's not necessarily wrong or bad...just different. I guess what I'm saying is that as long as it's working - everyone is making an equal effort and everyone gets something out of it - I would probably suck it up and keep trying. If it ever STOPS working? Re-evaluate. Sorry I wrote a book here and feel free to disregard it if you'd like. I am a bit hormonal, afterall.

[Leslie Collins]

Balance? I couldn't tell you what that is. If you figure out, please let me know. :

It's hard to travel with small children. Jade's parents live about 30 minutes away, but 6 months out of the year, they spend their time 3 1/2 hours north on Lake MIchigan. It's a pain in the ass to pack, travel, visit and return home. THe worst part of traveling (for me) is the return on Sunday, have a crap load of laundry, unpacking and feeling ready for MOnday morning. It's always fun to go and visit b/c of the lake and parks and other stuff to do, but I couldn't do it every weekend. We probably go up once a month, maybe.

[anne]

I hear ya on this one. I don't think I have it nearly as difficult as you though; just my side of the family is 2.5 hours away, and Pat's is mainly all close by. It does get stressful over the holidays, trying to please two families and be everywhere. We've kind of gotten into the habit of spending Tgiving with my family, Christmas with both (which involves a lot of driving and commotion over a two day span), and Easter...eh, I don't really care that much about Easter so haven't worried about it yet. I can see, however, how all of this will continue to get more and more complicated as the kids get older and are involved in activities, more and more cousins are added, etc. I think it's important to let the kids spend time with family/cousins/grandparents, and if travel is involved, they'll just get used to it (and used to sleeping in strange bedrooms), but I also think it's important to just let everyone chill at home sometimes, and if that means saying no to a family member or missing one of many events, then so be it. I would hope that extended family would be understanding of that, and would be willing to travel your way sometimes too.

When I was growing up none of our relatives lived in Duluth. We always got excited to go away for the weekend and visit grandparents, etc., and I think it stayed special because we weren't going on a driving trip every other day, it was more like once every one or two months, and then all the major holidays.

[Jacqueline]

I am definately going to be reading the comments on this one....we live 8 hours from my family and 10.5 hours from inlaws. We are close to our families, but it is one of my biggest reservations about having kids now. We travel home about one every three months right now and we just won't be able to do that once littles ones come along. But we want our children to have a close relationship with their extended family....it is definately a hard balance.

[jenny]

matt and i are very lucky. my parents live two blocks away. matt's parents live 15 minutes out of town as well. my mom lives in duluth right now, but they are currently building closer to two harbors so yey - even closer. most of our family lives here. i love being close to family. we do travel to see some family in the rice lake area and in bemidji. the bemidji trip is one we make the most often and tucker has never really had a bad trip (blessed on that one). i am thankful beyond words for all of this.

i wish we could ask our kids what is important, but i think you got it right. sometimes things can be a real pain in the rear to do, but there is a quote i read a little while ago (can't remember where i seen it) that read something like: you have to look at life through the lens of eternity. what things are going to matter to your kids when they are older? what's going to matter is all those trips you made to see those you love and to make memories with those who matter most. your kids are lucky to have parents that make that a priority - no matter how much of a pain it is.

i hope some of this made sense! :)

[mrs.chicken]

Oh, lordy.

I could write a novel about this. With one widowed grandmother and a divorce on the other side, and all of them being at least 700 miles to the east of us ...

Yeah.

But you know what? Last year I stopped traveling back east because I was pregnant, and we actually DID make our life here.

It was hard at first.

Now?

Not as hard.

I feel your pain, honey. I do.

[Karen Sugarpants]

I'm the same as you but my kids are 10 and 4 so it's much easier - I want them to know the grandparents & aunts & uncles, cousins etc...to be a part of everything that is 3-4 hours away, depending on traffic.
I wish the family would come my way at least half as often, but putting them all up in our house would prove to be a feat!
I don't think you're doing them a disservice, but it's it's taxing on you and stressing you out, maybe tone it down a touch? You can only do so much, Mama!