sometimes breastfeeding really sucks

Our nursing relationship started out rocky. I was an overly tired hormonal woman with torn up nether regions coming face to face with a screaming and very hungry baby.

And though it pains me to admit this now, when I am indeed head-over-heels in love with the little boy, what I really wanted at the time was to spend time making sure his sister knew that nothing in this world could take my time, my love, my energy away from her.

Nothing except for this baby that refused to be separated from my boob for more than ten minutes at a time.

He had a long journey and by golly, the boy wanted to eat. And eat and eat and eat.

And so it goes. So it goes the story of our lives together up until this point; me feeding, him eating, most days upwards of ten times per day. It hasn’t slowed since I returned to the workforce except now I spend my time being milked by a machine rather than by a human. Twenty ounces of pumped milk he requires in addition to the four times I nurse him per day.

I don’t know if he needs twenty ounces of breast milk during each of his eight hour stints at daycare or if he’s being fed because he’s crying and wants a nap but can’t sleep in the midst of all of the noise. But alas, that is a post for another day. The daycare post that I have never written and will likely never write because I can’t spend time and energy and tears dwelling on something I have no ability to change. The post where I judge everything she is doing because surely I could do it a hundred times better.

I love our daycare provider. She just isn’t me.

So, twenty ounces per day it is.

I spend four sessions per day with my Medela, each session lasting fifteen minutes, to barely scrape up enough milk for the little bruiser. Most days I only had to pump twice for the girl but then she needed twelve ounces to his twenty.

You couple this with the bleeding nipples and the constant arching and wrestling and begging him to just please relax, be patient and eat already and I often wonder if I am doing him more of a disservice than a service by insisting that he be a breastfed baby.

During at least half of the feedings I am certain that the little piggy would rather have the bottle.

If it hurts, you’re doing something wrong; that’s what the Breast is Best books all claim. Yet each of the three lactation consultants I have seen have told me that everything looks good with the latch and here I sit with sore, bleeding nipples wondering why on earth I can’t just cut my losses and quit.

But I can’t do it.

First, I thought I would wait until I went back to work to see if that helped because I’d be pumping instead of nursing and quite frankly formula was not an expense we could afford on one salary.

Now, I tell myself to wait for the introduction of solid foods to see if that magically fixes everything.

And after that I expect I’ll have some other reason why I should just wait another little while to switch him to formula.

I am beginning to think that maybe I need it as bad as he does because I am not ready to let him go and detach him from my body just yet. Because during half of the feedings, when he's content and warm and snuggled in close to my body contently gulping away, I just can't imagine feeding him any other way.

It's on the good days, the days when I recognize that I am doing this as much for me as I am for him that I don’t mind the blood and the pain and the time I spend in the conference room listening to the constant WEE-UNK, WEE-UNK of the pump.

Because he’s only little for a very little while. And I already miss the littleness.

Comments

[Nicole]

Oh, Gine. I wish I had some magical words to make your situation better (or at least make you feel better for it), but I don't. Hang in there. You have to do what you feel is right! Have you thought about substituting formula for just one or two feedings? Or having them combine breastmilk and the formula at daycare? (I am sure you have - I am just throwing it out there!)

I know you have about ZERO sparetime, but if you are looking for some literary support, check-out Spilled Milk by Andy Steiner. Better yet, send me your address, and I will send you my copy . . . having just read the last Harry Potter book, I can say for a fact that I won't be reading it anytime soon!

[The Mommy]

If you decide you need/want to quit, you'll have an advocate in me. I really do understand. I breastfed our first child for 6 months, for all of the reasons you listed. But. I really didn't enjoy it. I breastfed our second for 5 months, because I had done so with his brother and then felt guilty when I had to stop a month early (he had issues with milk). I breastfed our third for 7 months because she was a stink and wouldn't quit on MY timeline - had to be her idea! I plan to do it again, even though I know it can be impossibly hard. Even though I know I don't particularly LIKE it. Right now, for me, it's about treating them the same. Maybe we'll have to stop early. Maybe not. I know (and so do you) that either way doesn't make you a better or worse mommy. I fully support people who want to/can nurse their children as long as they can. But I also support those who don't for WHATEVER reason.

[lib]

have you thought about a nipple shield?

[kim]

for me personally, it's important to find that line where i go from 'breastfeeding is best' to 'breastfeeding is best, but comes at the price of my baby having a miserable mother.' obviously, breastfeeding goes differently for everyone, and everyone has a different 'pain threshold' for bleeding/pumping/worrying/etc, so that line is going to be different for every woman, even different with each baby. maybe the cost becomes too high sometimes. and i think that's okay.

this is my favorite post on breastfeeding ever. i saved it to read the next time i attempt it.

http://damomma.com/2009/01/24/breast-is-best-and-other-total-lies