She has her head plastered against my shoulder as we rock back and forth in the glider that we spent much of our first year together in. The glider that we spent so many hours nursing and snuggling and sleeping and crying together. The glider that now sits in her sister or brother's room, empty and waiting, the space from her room having been replaced by bookshelves and two big floor pillows equipped with just enough snuggle room for her dad and I to read books to her before bed.
Us both reeking of vomit from the flu bug that grabbed a hold of her tiny little body, she struggles to find a comfortable spot on my lap where the baby growing in my belly isn't in her way. I sing her two favorite lullabies, hushing her, promising her that everything is going to be alright. I, without thinking, whisper "I love you, baby" as she settles in and sighs, finally calming.
Her head jerks up, her gaze meeting my eyes.
She looks down, points at my belly and weakly whispers "Baby."
A tear streams down my face and plops onto her feverish little head as I pull her body close again and say, "I have two babies now, honey. And I love you both. You'll always be my baby too."
And the guilt that I have tried so hard to keep at bay since the instant that I found out I was pregnant came rushing back. She's too little to be a big sister. She's just a BABY.
Oh Gina, Renee will always know how much you love her. May I say that even though Reyna will be two in a couple of months, I am still feeling a lot of guilt about having a second. We are planning on that very soon and it just brings tears to my eyes. It's hard being a mom.
Try not to be too hard on yourself. I know, easier said than done.
Posted by: Leslie | October 29, 2008 at 04:09 AM
I know that guilt. I've cried those tears. I truly feel your pain. But, when Babyski2 gets here, it will most likely be HER baby. No worries. She surely knows she is loved. It's obvious to those of us who DON'T live with you, so I'm sure it's pretty clear to her. And it won't be too long before she turns around and yells, "I am NOT a BABY." Not that I'm speaking from experience or anything...
Posted by: The Mommy | October 29, 2008 at 05:42 AM
i'm with leslie. i think it's probably a hard thing no matter how old they are. :( and as you know, there are things you're not even going to have to deal with because she IS so young. it will obviously be an adjustment for everyone, but i think sometimes we as moms worry a little but more than we need to about our kids adjusting to something when really, they are a lot more adaptable than we give them credit for. at least i do that anyway. i mean, i worried about moving max to two naps. worried about switching to whole milk. worried about daycare and bedtime and activities. and you know what? looking back on it, i can't even REMEMBER how we got through it. because we just did. and it was completely, totally fine (even EASY) and the amount of time i spent worrying was TOTALLY disproportionate to the amount of time he spent adjusting. and the amount of time i've spent feeling guilty for even one tiny thing probably outweighs all of the times that max has been unhappy in his whole entire life. and i know a new sibling falls under the category of HUGE adjustment and should not be compared to bedtime. but i think it sort of applies. she'll probably do better than you think.
Posted by: kim | October 29, 2008 at 07:28 AM
i'm in total agreement with the other ladies. both of your babies are lucky to have a mom like you. :)
Posted by: jenny | October 29, 2008 at 07:54 AM
*sniff* What a sweet, sweet moment to have with your daughter. I know it makes you feel guilty, but I read your post as something you were writing to remember as a special moment between you and Renee, and that even though she had the flu and you were probably totally exhausted, the two of you had a very special bonding moment together. And you captured it perfectly in your writing.
I'm sure having the new baby will be an adjustment for all involved, but you said yourself (I think in a comment on my blog) that she is young enough to not even blink an eye at the adjustment. The new baby will fit right into your family, and Renee will adore her bro or sis, and will always know she's loved by you. And, you won't have to deal with any major two or three-year old tantrums that would have come with waiting longer to have your 2nd baby:)
I'm so excited to hear the news of the baby's birth!!! Hang in there!
Posted by: anne | October 29, 2008 at 12:12 PM
aww, that is so awesome. i have been there. i felt much the same way... and my babies are 8 years apart. it's going to be a wonderful ride.
Posted by: jessica | October 29, 2008 at 05:55 PM
Don't worry! Lauren was worried about her girls being so close together in age, they are 17 months apart and Kaydence LOVES Bevin and she is very protective of her, it's pretty sweet to watch. I know Renee will love your new baby and you will love both of them the same, you are an awesome mom.
Posted by: Rhonda | October 30, 2008 at 09:33 AM