dear renee

Dear Renee,

 

I’ve been wondering for months how I am going to deal with my baby, my first-born, the thing that is solely responsible for coloring my world bright, happy colors, having her first birthday. I found out today. I cried a lot. I sat in your bedroom after I put you to bed and I watched the air go in and out of your lungs, marveling at what a miracle you are. It sounds cliche but it is the damned truth. I thought about how if things hadn’t gone down exactly the way they did, you would have never existed and about how miraculous it is that your Daddy and I basically conjured you out of thin air. I sat there amazed that you managed to become a healthy, smart, beautiful little girl despite your Dad and me floundering around, struggling to learn how to become proper parents. I feel like I’m living an entirely different life than I was last year, a life that I see through your eyes rather than my own. My new life is a lot more colorful and vibrant, the laughter is louder and much more frequent and not a day goes by that I don’t feel like my heart is going to explode from loving you so incredibly much. You brought more sunshine and sheer happiness with you the day you came home from the hospital than I ever thought existed.

 

I fell in love with your Dad the day you were born in a way I never thought was possible, as watching him teach you things and sneak in kisses on the top of your head, makes me realize that he, and only he, understands the way I feel about you. He is the only other person on the face of the earth that has been there every day to watch the intricacies of you growing into the shy, feisty and sweet all-at-the-same-time one-year-old you are today. Just thinking about it brings a lump up into my throat and causes tears to form in the corners of my eyes. It is a love that I could have never understood had you not come into our lives and I thank you for that.

 

Things like you starting kindergarten and you learning to ride a bike for the first time and you going on your first date seemed like an eternity away at the beginning but now they seem like they are right around the corner. Because this first year, it went by in the blink of an eye. I’m certain that every year from this point forward will seem like it is in warp time speed. My goal is to remember to sit back and watch and not wish away a single minute of it. I’ll even get up in the middle of the night and hold you if you want to be cuddled because baby, I know that someday you’ll just up and stop wanting me to hold you ever. I’ll take you outside even if there is laundry to be done because someday you’ll want to go outside without me and I’ll have all of the time in the world to do laundry. I have learned not to wish away a single moment of this experience as every phase is just a phase and it will go as quickly as it came. I have to remind myself of this often and utter the words to myself “You’re going to miss this someday” when I’m in the middle of struggling to get you down for a nap or when you’re trying to climb my legs in the kitchen because you just want me to hold you instead of making you dinner. I already miss you being that little blob of baby-cuteness you were when we brought you home from the hospital a year ago and by next year, I’ll miss your chubby little legs and everything about you that makes you the perfect little one-year-old I am so thankful to have today.

 

Happy Birthday, baby.

 

Love,

Mommy

Comments

[kim]

i say that myself at LEAST every other day... 'don't wish it away.' i'm really bad about saying things like 'i can't wait until max can do XYZ...' and as you can imagine, tom is REALLY bad about it.

but believe me, i put off the laundry often. :)

i wonder if it will be different for you with the next one. i sort of feel like i'll hold on to things even more knowing how fast they go (i can perfectly understand now how the baby of a family gets babied).

[lib]

this is SO true. it goes SO fast!

[Leslie]

Okay, you sure know how to make a momma tear up!!! :) Your letters are very heartfelt. She (and you) is going to love looking back on these when she is older. But, our babies are never going to get older are they!!! :) hahaha. I wish that were the case.