I'm laying in a hotel room a half a country away from my kids and my baby is sick. He's my boy, my sidekick, a mama's boy to the core and I can't help him. I'm sick, literally nauseous about it. And along with that, I'm angry.
I think today, sitting alone in an airport with a book all alone for the first time in a long time, and all I could do was hold back tears and feel angry that I have to do this.
I feel like I am a different person than I was when I "made" this career. Back then I was a strong woman in a business suit with no kids flying around the country building websites and now I am a mom that has to fly around building websites. I go to work because I have to and the last six months has made me bitter about that. I don't dislike my job itself, I just dislike that it takes me away from what I consider to be my far more important job. I'm laying here eating room service when I should be at home comforting my baby.
I am angry at myself for the choices we made and I'm sad that my little people are growing so fast and I feel like I'm missing it. I feel like I'm only half at home and half at work and the constant pulling in 700 directions is wearing on me.
Six years ago, when Renee was a baby, I made a choice to work. We bought a house requiring two incomes and that is that. I don't know how to change that. I want to change it, I am beginning to think I NEED to change it but I don't know how.
And at this point I'm not sure who I am anymore. Am I their mom or am I this person attending conferences and making small talk in hotel bars? What if I'm neither?